The totality of need and satisfaction

March 30th

More! More! is the cry of a mistaken soul, less than All cannot satisfy Man.

If any could desire what he is incapable of possessing, despair must be his eternal lot.

― William Blake

Yep, that is my problem right there. If I cannot have it all, I am no longer interested in it and that thing is not worth doing anymore. Or at least that was my fundamental problem for many years as an adult and addict. Countless times I would start something new — a job, a relationship, a hobby, and then I would quickly give it up as soon it would become clear that to be any good in this job or relationship or hobby requires effort and hard work. And I couldn’t just enjoy it for its own sake — I had to be the best. And if I couldn’t get the accolades for doing something, I would quit it because I was no longer satisfied just doing it — for pleasure or self-improvement. I had to have it all.

I am making a progress though. For more than a year, I was able to enjoy doing and experiencing things just for their own sake. I can learn new things on my own time, going at my own pace and to my own level. Like writing (this blog or a book, on which I work on and off) — I will never be the best writer ever. I mean, how is it possible to measure the worth of a writer? All I can do is strive to achieve the level of interest and clarity and depth that I see in my favorite writers. And I am not stopping. Hell — I actually actively expand themes and forms in what I write.

The same with learning Spanish — I am not giving up, even though I’ve been struggling recently with grammar and conjunctions. I will never be fluent at the native level, but I enjoy the process and all the small steps along the way. The achievements are real and give me a sense of accomplishment. And I will continue learning and look for ways to improve my speech and understanding of Spanish. And I know already that in a couple of years I will go and learn another language just for the sake of learning.

But there are things where I still cannot accept the fact that I won’t be able to learn and experience it whole. Like reading — I read a lot, but no matter how many books I read, there are more joining the queue on the “want to read / will read later” list. And after reading each book, I find new leads on new books on the given subject or by that author to add to this list. Same with music — I will never listen to all the albums and bands that I want to (especially because music requires numerous listening to understand it and to simply enjoy it again). Same with art — I will never see all the works of art that interest me and learn about them to the level I require from myself.

So, since I stopped drinking, I was able to achieve a partial understanding of what I can and cannot do. And honestly, while being sober, there is nothing that I cannot achieve. The only question is to which level I can achieve it, and will that level be satisfactory to me. And that depends on me and my acceptance and my choices only. I am quite happy with myself where I am with that. And I can be happy with those small things around me — I am not waiting anymore in vain for that one moment when my life will become complete. I can do it myself — step by step and sober.