The totality of need and satisfaction

March 30th

More! More! is the cry of a mistaken soul, less than All cannot satisfy Man.

If any could desire what he is incapable of possessing, despair must be his eternal lot.

William Blake

Yep, that is my problem right there. If I cannot have it all, I am no longer interested in it and that thing is not worth doing anymore. Or at least that was my fundamental problem for many years as an adult and addict. Countless times I would start something new — a job, a relationship, a hobby, and then I would quickly give it up as soon it would become clear that to be any good in this job or relationship or hobby requires effort and hard work. And I couldn’t just enjoy it for its own sake — I had to be the best. And if I couldn’t get the accolades for doing something, I would quit it because I was no longer satisfied just doing it — for pleasure or self-improvement. I had to have it all.

I am making a progress though. For more than a year, I was able to enjoy doing and experiencing things just for their own sake. I can learn new things on my own time, going at my own pace and to my own level. Like writing (this blog or a book, on which I work on and off) — I will never be the best writer ever. I mean, how is it possible to measure the worth of a writer? All I can do is strive to achieve the level of interest and clarity and depth that I see in my favorite writers. And I am not stopping. Hell — I actually actively expand themes and forms in what I write.

The same with learning Spanish — I am not giving up, even though I’ve been struggling recently with grammar and conjunctions. I will never be fluent at the native level, but I enjoy the process and all the small steps along the way. The achievements are real and give me a sense of accomplishment. And I will continue learning and look for ways to improve my speech and understanding of Spanish. And I know already that in a couple of years I will go and learn another language just for the sake of learning.

But there are things where I still cannot accept the fact that I won’t be able to learn and experience it whole. Like reading — I read a lot, but no matter how many books I read, there are more joining the queue on the “want to read / will read later” list. And after reading each book, I find new leads on new books on the given subject or by that author to add to this list. Same with music — I will never listen to all the albums and bands that I want to (especially because music requires numerous listening to understand it and to simply enjoy it again). Same with art — I will never see all the works of art that interest me and learn about them to the level I require from myself.

So, since I stopped drinking, I was able to achieve a partial understanding of what I can and cannot do. And honestly, while being sober, there is nothing that I cannot achieve. The only question is to which level I can achieve it, and will that level be satisfactory to me. And that depends on me and my acceptance and my choices only. I am quite happy with myself where I am with that. And I can be happy with those small things around me — I am not waiting anymore in vain for that one moment when my life will become complete. I can do it myself — step by step and sober.

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