The year 1994 (part 4)
May 14th, 2024
I had a terrible night. I had a nightmare, a messy and brutal nightmare. A nightmare that felt so real that I lay in a cold sweat after walking up in the middle of the night. I felt that what happened to me in this nightmare was real and that I fucked up my life. Again. It took some moments of thinking to come to terms with what happened — but nothing happened. I didn't do anything stupid, I just dreamt about it. The nightmare was about me drinking again, and being well aware of the wrongness of what I was doing and yet doing it. That happens sometimes. As years of my sobriety go by, it happens more and more rarely. But still, it happens and it is always triggered by something that is happening in my life. I can usually quickly find out what was the trigger (every time because of me being angry about something) and do something about it so it will not happen again. After last night, I was lost for any explanation. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened to me. I have numerous issues in my life, but they were the same last week and the week before. So why did my mind react in such a terrifying way? The only thing that comes to my mind is that, over the last few days, I have thought a lot about my past. Especially the formative year 1994, when a lot happened that had a bearing on my life. And in a way it still does. I thought about my actions and the consequences of those actions that still reverberate in my life. The consequences that hold me back and make my life difficult, more difficult than it should be. I understand that is the price to pay for wrong choices. I don't think I accept it as a fact. I was lucky over the last two decades to wind up where I am today. In a way, the consequences I suffered were minimal, or so I thought. Apparently, I have unresolved issues about my past and hidden anger directed at myself. Good thing that I laid it out in the open for my own sake. I will not keep problems hidden from myself. I want to find a way to alleviate the problem and I will find the way.
