Thin skin

February 28th, 2023

I think I might be some kind of anomaly, a person whose skin changed thickness several times within an adult life. My skin was extremely thin as I was growing up and into my adulthood — I was painfully delicate and sensitive and so easily hurt by simple words, or the tone of those words, or the facial expression of a person saying those words, or by the unsaid words from the person. Any divergence from the accepting monotone and expected empty platitudes were enough to cause me pain as I felt under unprovoked attack.

Then I got better, my skin become thicker and I could easily dismiss what I wanted to dismiss or even better — not hear what I didn't want to hear. Even when something harsh was spoken with my benefit in mind. I couldn't care less about opinions addressed to me or about me. I simply brushed it off and not gave a fuck. All that wasn't because of some change in my thinking or attitude, it was only a result of specific substance abuse that gave me false strength not to care about what others thought or said about me. And soon that led to me not caring about myself as well.

And then I got better again. I started to rebuild my psyche and my thin skin (that was still there when alcohol was no longer a cover) and the way I took everything too much personally, was one of the first and most important issues I worked on. And the results were solid, if not spectacular. I was able to digest things said about me and assigned them a value — depending on who said it and under what circumstances and what was the emotional state of me and my interlocutor. I still could dismiss what I thought was wrongly applied to me, but I also could hear and see a need for change in the harsh criticism — and then work on improving that.

And now I feel my skin got thinner again. Well, let's not kid myself — my skin was always thin, only my reactions and responses to when it was pricked and I was hurt had changed over the years. But I definitely see that again some words hurt more than before, and I look for facial expressions and tone of voice to analyze and imagine the real truth in those said words. That is wrong, that I know already. Knowing it is the first step to changing my reactions, and now comes the hard part — the work on it.