Tiredness

October 1st

That was my mood today. I felt tired and felt like crying and maybe even giving up on my sobriety. Short thoughts and dealt with by me by changing the narrative in my head — but definitely there. I felt nervousness and mental exhaustion, I think that the uneasy situation everywhere I look finally got to me. There has been nothing but problems and issues for the last several years and even more amplification of troubles in recent months and really no hope that it all will change soon. I know that I need to deal with things I can change and adjust to, or ignore things that I cannot. It seems though that all that is dear to me and can give me pleasure is slowly eroding by actions beyond my control — by individuals or corporations or state actors. The biggest problem for me is the lack of the possibility to plan ahead. I don’t know what should I plan for and how will things change or go about tomorrow or next week or next month. The economy is skydiving into a gutter, my job became a lottery — who will be fired next, it is impossible to save for anything and even see the idea of safety — either physical or mental or financial. The world is changing in front of our eyes, there will be a lot of pain and tears for the majority of the world’s population, and I am not sure if the change that eventually will come — will be for the better. And as of today, I don't even know what should I try to accept as a new reality and adjust to. I don’t feel in control of my future, and I don't like cards dealt to me (and us) by those supposedly in power. I will try to take it day by day and see what happens — but that kind of living is already extremely tiresome.