Too quick

October 31st, 2024

Early in the afternoon I only half in jest thought to myself — “I wonder when the tipping point will come, and what will be the trigger?”. I knew something would come over me because I had one of those days when I was doing everything and running everywhere and nothing seemed to get done. And I was getting tired and frustrated and stressed and overworked. That is a combination that needs only a small spark, something insignificant to tip the scale of sanity. And right before going home, it came — overall it was nothing serious, but it was enough to unleash pent-up anger in me. Some papers went flying, a lot of curse words were spoken, and some fabulously passive-aggressive emails were sent. I knew that was wrong, and yet I let it happen. Somehow, I liked that anger and fury in me. As quickly as it came, the anger subsided within a few minutes of me leaving work. I think the trigger for restoring calmness was the way I pulled out of the parking lot — very loudly and quickly and way too dynamically. I corrected myself at the first street turn — I slowed down, took a few deep breaths, and kept on driving at precisely the speed limit with full awareness of all the traffic signs. At home, I spent some time analyzing myself and my behavior and came to the conclusion that the real recipient of my anger was me. I made a mistake, I didn't want to admit it, I found a convenient scapegoat and an easy excuse. And that is again when my anger happens in the exactly same way…