Trying to catch my breath

June 14th, 2024

Is that all there is to it? Desperately counting the hours to the end of the work day on Friday to finally try and attempt to catch my breath. Is that all I am working for and looking forward to? That seems like an insignificant and stupid goal to have. And yet, over the last few months, that is what I have been facing every week. And every week feels like a challenge just to get through and finally have some “me” time on the weekend. And to catch my breath for a little while.

And that catching my breath on the weekends is only illusory. I don't really catch my breath, only my breathing goes back to a normal cadence. It is only a tiny break in the constant chase to keep everything under control at work, to know all I am supposed to know, and to do all I am supposed to do. And I know even the tinnies slip, even tiny neglect on my part will spiral and snowball into an insolvable problem if not taken care of right away. I’ve seen it happen before. I’ve seen it in others who let their guard down for a second and then could never recover trying to catch up while running away from the avalanche of deadlines and tasks to be done. For six months I’ve been doing the work of two people — and there is no plan to hire anybody to help out because I still manage (and manage very well) all that I need to take care of. But at what cost? Mentally and physically, I still feel fine. I still have the energy to read and write and develop my interests, and to take care of my body with frequent walks and bicycle rides. But I see the signs of creeping exhaustion. I know those signs very well and I will never let them take over my mind and body. I still feel that I have some margin here, but it's getting narrower and narrower by the week. I will be proactive here since my mental and physical condition is of the utmost importance to me — but I don't know how just yet.