Trying to find joy

December 22nd, 2023

The 22nd of December is usually a joyous day for me — the winter solstice, the day when daylight finally starts to creep to last longer and longer. That was the day I was looking forward to, since the darkness and cold weather took over possession of the seasons. Not today. I barely noticed that momentous occasion and met it with a shrug of indifference. I know Christmas is coming and I hate every single thought and moment of it. I even forgot that I will have a few days off work next week, and now that I remember it — it doesn't bring any joy to me. But there was a moment today, when I concentrated on work I was doing for a couple of hours and forgot about everything else. The work was complicated but I found a way to streamline it and, for those few moments, I was content. Not happy, but not miserable. That brought me some semblance of joy. Those few moments — usually I wouldn't even notice them, or react to them at all. But today, I was happy with a few moments of normalcy. I still was able to experience joy — the sorry excuse for joy I normally experience, but still that was important to me. This moment kept me in hope for better days and better and more fulfilling joy.