Ugly head

December 1st, 2023

Nothing untowarded happened and yet, I feel anger inside me is raising its ugly head and my irritation is getting stronger by the hour. Looking back, the last several days were pretty average and quiet. Nothing bad, or strange, or unusual happened to me. There might have been a few incidents of some subnormal or suboptimal situations where I was involved one way or another, but really — last week was as easy and plain as vanilla for me. So, where is my anger coming from? This time, I don’t have to look far and deep at myself to pinpoint the reasons. Christmas is coming and I already know that it will be a terrible time for me. It wasn’t easy to admit the truth to myself, but finally I have guts to say it — I hate Christmas and everything it stands for, but I don’t have the guts to do anything about it. I’d rather spend my time in quiet solitude and peace, but instead I will be involved in the relentless whirpool of doing, buying, making and pretending to be enjoying all that. I don't want to, but it is expected of me because of tradition and I will, on some level, be willingly participating in this farce only because I don't want to hurt somebody’s feelings. I will be a good boy and will keep quiet and will let my feelings be hurt, but I will not dare to be truthful to myself. I will cowardly make a good face to the surrounding mayhem and will let the negativity gnaw on my soul.

That is why I am angry. Nothing has happened yet, but I already expect what will happen (or not happen) soon and I know that everything will be the same way as last year, and a year before and the year before that…