March 30th, 2023
I have a lot of desires, which on rational thinking over become only a figment of my dreams. Emphasis on rational — I know they will not come true and I can compartment them as no more than fantasies and exercises in imagination. But what about subconscious desires?
One desire comes back on repeat to influence my actions and emotions without rational me realizing it. It influences my thought process and my behavior leading me to do things I don't particularly want which in turn leads me to wonder “why” I do things against my will.
That desire is an unfulfilled need to provide care for somebody. To prove to myself that I can be a good protector and provider and I can lessen a load of troubles and problems for another person. Even if that means that my desires and my wants are shoved aside and left neglected.
There is nothing wrong with a desire to help and take care of others — especially people who are close relatives and with passing years might require that effort from me. But the question is if they really want it, or is it just me who proactively and unconsciously is searching for this to happen?
I don't know. I could probably ask what it is they want, and what role they might see in me fulfilling it …
No, that is the wrong approach — that still would be looking at this problem from the perspective of somebody else, not mine. Rationally, I know that I should look at my needs and wants first and after they are taken care of — expand myself toward others and their requirements.
My behavior in this matter is not really rational though — the way I subconsciously go about this desire is by expanding my boundaries to envelope the needs of others before they even have a chance to ask or request something that would violate my boundaries.
This way I don't even give myself a chance to think anything over and then make a decision. Right or wrong decision — doesn't really matter, that decision would be mine. Subconsciously I take away a choice from myself, and I don't know why but I don't like it at all.