Unlikely comfort

April 26th, 2024

Last week I visited some new places during my business trip. Geographical places — and it is always nice to see first-hand a city or a town or a historical site that I only knew as a name on the map or from photos on the internet. But I also visited many new and well-defined and established places, like hotels, offices, factories, restaurants, supermarkets, etc. Doing that, I noticed something that by itself was not a brand new experience to me, but something that insisted itself upon my mind forcefully enough for me to take notice:

Whenever I was, no matter that I was there for the first time — I felt comfortable and like I was at home, or at some place already known and familiar to me. I felt no nervousness or apprehension but calmness and resolution. It wasn't always like that. For many years I would actively avoid going to new places like that, and when there was no choice not to do it — then I would hate every moment of it and was anxious to the paralyzing point. I felt lost and angry in unfamiliar places, surrounded by unfamiliar people who I always assumed were hostile to me. Or were superior to me because they already knew this place where I was for the first time and knew their way around which I didn’t. That debilitating feeling of being lost and inferior started to change to normalcy when I stopped drinking. My whole understanding of being in an unfamiliar place changed to acceptance and even curiosity. Now, no matter where I am, I can immediately feel welcomed and accepted and each new place becomes my place from the get-go. I feel comfortable and at ease. I feel confident and that I belong. It doesn't matter what I feel is actually correct or not — I feel those experiences this way and that is all that matters. My self-esteem grew a lot from that and I feel much stronger and more rooted in normal societal rules. That is another welcome surprise I created of myself for myself.