Unnecessary self-love
February 14th, 2023
I don’t know if I am the right person to talk about love, for me that is mostly an academic and theoretical issue. Something that I know possibly exists and has a significant influence on the lives of others and is instrumental as potent symbolism and creative force in art and music. For me, it is something very far away from any conscious thoughts and my previous experiences. On the other hand — I can talk and talk about and I am an extremely high-level expert on self-love and self-admiration and self-pitying (which are in reality the same thing). Now, I know this is a serious issue since I already am using a coping mechanism by making a funny mockery of this matter and of me as well — but that will have to wait to be explored by me some other time (or most likely never). The issue at hand is about my intolerance of self-love displayed by others.
Self-love showed by an unending and overwhelming love of one’s voice. Some people (maybe even a majority of people) just love to hear themselves talk. I cannot explain it in a different way. Just a barrage of words, long words, short words, louder, quieter but then even louder, sentence after sentence, a moment of quiet respite, and then a flood of words and utterances, inane and insane repeating of the same problems and issues out loud, without a wait for a response, all the time more words, more talking, more pointless blather, more rattling on and on and on…
I cannot stand it. And I have nothing against talking or conversing or exchange of ideas or experiences or against some jokes and banter. The problem I have and see is that once that kind of person gets talking, there is no stopping him/her. Even when there is no longer any audience (even the most polite and shy finally have enough and walk away or turn to do something different) that doesn't make any difference. Then the talking turns into commenting or into questions that require some answers and renewed engagement and that is enough to keep that kind of person going off taking again. And again the chatter fills the air and seeps into even well-insulated (by headphones) and trying-to-be disengaged brain. It is exhausting just to be around it, and frustrating. Especially knowing that I will not say anything out loud and that I am too much of a deferential person (i.e. a coward) to make someone else self-consciously aware of the problem. For some reason, I don't show myself the self-love that would come from taking care of my needs and my sanity. I don't practice self-care and I am not sure why?
