Unreasonable nervousness

February 18th, 2023

I have been searching for the reason for it for the last few weeks. There has to be a reason, right? There has to be a reason for every single thing that happens or does not happen. Nothing just happens, there always has to be an underlying cause that puts in motion actions that bring the final result.

And nothing. I got nothing. I mean, I got hundreds of scraps of possible explanations but they won’t do. This time, there is something else, something that is just beyond my grasp of understanding. Something so serious and big and seminal that mind is unable to latch on to it.

I feel sick first and foremost — and yet there is no pain or discomfort of any kind. My body feels different on a strictly carnal level. My body processes any physical effort differently — tiredness is immediate and numbing. Internal organs do their work not as they did even last month.

And I am still quite ok with all that. I can go about my day without many problems, I function well in all that surrounds me — be it work or family or in personal time. But there is an acutely felt deviation from what I know well about myself and what I expect from myself in my everyday life.

I don't think I go through the motions anymore, the motions happen instinctively in spite of what I want. I stopped searching for pleasure and knowledge and fun. Things are falling through my hands just like my days and my thoughts. Everything is just beyond the grip of my fingertips.

I long for companionship and yet I break off any engagements that would put me among people. I plan to stay shut off from the outside world for the weekend. But there is no self-pity in that, just the want to understand why is that happening and what I can do to change it.

I don't even remember the last time I rewarded myself with a trifle of joy from doing something or for doing something. Maybe this weekend without being around people is a reward in itself? No, I will not kid myself and pretend that this is what I want when clearly it isn't.

The best way to describe it is to call it unreasonable nervousness. There are reasons of course for me to feel and be ill at ease. But those reasons are no different from those last month or last year. Something else happened to accentuate them to the level that interfere with my well-being.

I don't know what that is. I don't even know where exactly to search for an answer. I am staying in the same place without any progress or even a clue about where to go. And I don't like this place I am at right now.