Vanity and validation
May 9th
Am I the best in anything? Is there something that I can say I am an expert in? Or show my superiority in the said subject? Am I in the good shape? Does it show in the clothes I wear? Do my clothes themselves shop my good taste and fashion sense? What do the music I listen to and books I read tell about me? Am I an interesting person? Am I special in my thinking and expressing my thoughts? Does it even matter?
Apparently, it does to me. I noticed that I still look at things I do not only from my interest or pleasure or growth or fun standpoint — I look at showing it all to others as well. It seems like I need validation from others to really fully enjoy what I do, even if I experience them themselves as interesting and fun. It seems like I want others to see me as a special person. Maybe even to be jealous of me.
You know what, let me stop my lies, there is nothing “maybe” about it — I want other people to be jealous of me, and I want to be praised and treated with reverence and respect. Not all the time, but frequently enough to be annoyed by it. That happens usually when I am in presence of other people, and people I don’t like at that. It seems like I want to put them in their right place i.e. down, and for them to see me as superior to them.
When I am alone, or in a really small company of people I like and care about, there is a difference. I am happy with who I am and how I am and don’t feel a need for competition and to prove anything about myself. When I am just by myself, my thinking slows and becomes more acutely concentrated on a task at hand, or on no task at all (just resting requires some concentration as well). When I am alone my pretentious lies and exaggerations just sound silly. I know myself very well from this site and can quickly put a stop to that. When I am alone I let myself be myself with all the good and bad points and habits.
I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror. Why am I still afraid of my reflection in other people’s eyes? And why do I need to make this reflection artificially shinier?
