Wanted or expected?

May 20th, 2023

I had plenty of time to think today as I was mowing my lawn and doing a variety of garden work. I don't know if I got anywhere with that thinking, but I will try to talk it out here — it always helps to hear thoughts out loud or see them in writing.

The question that was on my mind was if the work I do is something that I want to do or rather something that is expected. And if expected — then by whom? By me or somebody else or just in general? And I have no answer to that seemingly easy question.

I think I wanted to spend a Saturday doing dirty and tough manual labor, but on the other hand, I had plenty of options on how I would rather spend that glorious Saturday in May. But I also want my garden to be neat and tidy and organized and well presentable.

But what would happen if my garden was less presentable and less in tune with expected perfection when everything is in the right place and just so how it is supposed to be? Obviously nothing — and here is that word “expected” that I think I like less and less.

And that is because I cannot answer the question from the second paragraph here — are the expectations in things I do really mine or do I take them as mine while they are only an extension of what somebody else wants or need me for?

And that brings another question — do I make myself believe that I want something when in actuality I really don't? Do I play along with the expectations that might not be mine and turn them by a coping mechanism into my wants?

I still have no answer to any of those questions, but I will not waste any more of my Saturday pondering. I will do something else — I am not sure what but it will be something that I make sure I want.