When even dreams admonish

June 2nd

I was going to the airport. I wasn’t in a hurry, there was plenty of time. I made a plan of how I will get there, considering all the options and variables. I took a vehicle that looked like a combination of the bus and the train with the clear message that I was saying out loud that I am going to the last stop. As the vehicle was moving, I noticed that I am going outside the city and in an opposite direction from where I wanted to go. I almost got up to leave at the next stop, but in the end, I didn’t. I didn’t want to make a fuss or cause any inconvenience — especially after announcing that I am going to the end of the line and after all preparations and decisions to take this particular vehicle. I felt ashamed, I was trying to figure out why I am going in the opposite direction even though I planned so carefully to go somewhere else. I made a mistake and was embarrassed by it, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit it and rectify it as soon as I could. So I steamed inside as I quietly went in the opposite direction without doing anything. After I got to the last stop, I started checking schedules and found a way back to the city and then to the airport. It would take several hours of waiting and several transfers and I could probably just make it to the airport on time. Of course — if I would leave this vehicle as soon as I noticed my error then there would be no problem at all with getting to the airport on time. Then I woke up.

I very rarely remember my dreams in the morning, but I remember this one very clearly when I woke up today. It took me a while to understand what this dream was about. Over the last couple of days, I was facing making some decisions that can make me unpopular at work, with my family, or with people, I interact with through my volunteering. Every decision is difficult and could be made in several different ways. I know how I want to make those decisions so they will work for me and fit me and my needs and wants. And yet I am delaying making them. I trying to find a solution that will work for me and still make me a good guy — now that is not possible in those cases. So I keep quiet, hoping for some miracle and I am getting angry inside. At me, of course. But that anger is spilling over and yesterday I snapped at my coworkers for no real reason. And now, even my dreams remind me about it. I know that some decisions are unpleasant and might hurt for a while (especially when my decision will turn up as a wrong one). No matter — my subconsciousness is telling me what I already know in my mind so action is required now.