Where do I want to be?

May 21st, 2024

That is why I pay my therapist big bucks and go to every therapy session we can schedule. Well, I don't pay in dollars or a lot, but that is the gist of it. This is when, after a serious session with uncomfortable and heavy topics, she just asks me that one question. A simple question which I cannot answer, and keep thinking about on my ride home. Today she asked me “Where do you want to be — in your life and your development” with emphasis on want…

That seemed like an obvious and easy question, yet after opening my mouth I couldn't really find correct words or articulate what I thought I thought about it. The crucial word here was — want — and not where I think I am supposed to be in life. That was my main topic of discussion —I think I am pushing myself too hard in my private and professional life to make up for the time I have already wasted in my life. And the fact that I recently turned 50 years old is only amplifying that unhealthy drive. I think my heart is in the right place in this endeavor, but pushing myself so hard also takes a toll on my physical and mental health. And I want to be well and healthy for as long as I possibly can. That means some changes are necessary. This is what I really want, and yet I am not going about achieving that in the right way, or any way for that matter, I am just going along. Other than that, when I look at myself I am close to where I want to be in my life. I don't see a need for any radical changes, maybe some adjustments here and there. But that is only a view at a shallow glance. Looking deeper, there is something other just under the surface, and that is a desire for much more radical change. I avoided thinking about that for a while when I still knew that it was there. That might be a good time for that now.