Whirlwind

June 19th, 2024

It feels like a whirlwind in my head. Spinning and swirling around, making me less aware of my surroundings and tiring me even when I am not really doing anything. Making me react with a lot of care towards all simple actions like driving or having a conversation. And yet, I don't completely feel like that is a bad thing. I am not sure how to feel about it — either I am getting used to something that I shouldn't be getting used to, or this is some kind of perverted coping mechanism to make me stay on the level.

I know the cause of that whirlwind in my head — too much work and too many responsibilities and way too many numbers I need to put in the right order and analyze them to make correct conclusions from them and then take the required actions to make everything work as it is supposed to. Too much of everything, in a nutshell. But I managed all I wanted to do today, and possibly even more than that. That will help me manage the workload tomorrow and help me prepare for the next week. I feel kind of proud of the work I did today, even though the end result now is a headache and a whirlwind of scraps of thoughts and fragments of narrative in my mind. Ad that is the problem — I don't think the way I feel about it is correct, and I don't like that about myself. I should be angry, maybe even raging and ranting here or somewhere else. Instead, I am rather resigned to the fact and feel stupid and shallow satisfaction from working very hard. Or possibly too hard. I don't mind hard work — but only when it happens once in a while. When hard work and going to the limits of physical and mental capacity becomes a norm, that is a reason for concern. I want to do something about it, but now I need to take care of the whirlwind still spinning around my head.