Why do I write every day?

January 2nd, 2023

I guess it is because I want to prove a point — to myself. Or even several points — that I can do something constantly, that I have the ability to share thoughts and emotions and feelings and knowledge and interesting points, and that I am getting better at the activity that has a deep meaning to me. And also that I can get to the truth — either in things that surround me or in things inside me.

I am surrounded by lies and half-truths and understatements and fantasies and phantasmagoria. And a lot of it is my doing, to be perfectly honest. But mostly is the way other people and the world and life itself operate and go forward. Plenty of times, things are not what they seem, or as they are named or described. Being aware of it is one thing, and understanding and accepting is another.

Most of the time, I have no clue what I am going to write when I sit down at my desk. Most of the time, all I have is a vague idea or fragment of a title or memory of something that happened a long time ago, or I witnessed recently. Or it could be an emotion I feel in me and cannot quite come to terms with it. But then — as soon as I start writing — words and ideas and thoughts came pouring out.

And then — the truth as well.

I never know what exactly am I searching for when I write. I need an understanding of things in me and around me. When I start putting what is on my mind into words, an idea starts forming in my head. I let words flow, sometimes in an unexpected direction, but from my experience, I know they will lead me where I want to be to realize the particular truth about myself. Or the truth of my reaction to something outside my head.

I want to strip down all the deception — starting with me and my feelings and my emotions. I want to be aware of what is underlining what I see in me and in my reactions to what is happening around me. I want to be true to myself. Of course, to achieve that, firstly I need to know who I am. And surprisingly, I have a pretty good idea about that. There are still things about me that I avoid touching and thinking over, being afraid of what I might find. But the proper time will come for that soon.

Searching for the truth — especially about me — drives me to write every day. With each day, I get closer to finding it, and I am getting more skilled at recognizing and separating lies from my thoughts and emotions.