Wishing well

September 12th, 2023

What is the true extent of my wishes? My activity in life is intense and vigorous, going about fulfilling my wishes, so it might seem like this is only a rhetorical question — I wish for all the things I do now and slowly add new things after previous ones are accomplished. I act with power, realizing my role in life and fulfilling my wishes one after another. But what if the role and act I play in my life are assigned to me and handed over for action by forces beyond myself?

Are my wishes — and by extension — my acts to fulfill them not really my own but sneakily planted in my mind by some outside forces? That might seem like a stretch, but I am getting more and more suspicious about it. I believe that my internal self may still be in shackles fitted on me by my upbringing and my conformity. I believe that the extent of my wishes (and lack of internal consent to explore my true wishes) is closely linked with my problem with authority and freedom.

Throughout my life, I yielded to authority every single time I was challenged, or even when I wasn't, but I wanted to proactively prevent any potential confrontation that might arise with me putting myself first. That authority was my family first and foremost, but it was also the State, the Church, the School, the Employer. Then those authorities were replaced by another one — a really terrifying one — the hidden and anonymous authority of common sense and public opinion as tools and the means of blissful conformity. And as much as I got rid of the ghosts of the past authorities, I think I stumbled headfirst into the automation of the illusion of modern life. I let myself become a prey of those forces. To start the process of reformation anew — I want to find out what I really want and make sure those wishes are truly mine.