Working on myself

December 3rd

Over the last few therapy sessions, and again yesterday during meeting with my therapist — we realized that several interconnected subjects keep coming up time after time. Basically, I cannot admit and accept that I am not perfect. I don’t have all the answers; I don’t know how to solve every problem. All of those issues are serious and will require a lot of work from me — but at least I am aware of them and whenever I can and catch myself doing that, I try to change it.

But there is one more issue that is even more serious — I cannot admit that I can make mistakes. That I can make wrong choices. For whatever reason, I cannot accept that making mistakes is ok, and it is not the end of the world. Of course, I am talking about occasional mistakes, not making wrong choices all the time. That is the reason that I try to avoid any risks or changes to my routine — because I can do something wrong, make a wrong decision and, by extension, — a mistake.

Going back to my childhood, I remember that making a mistake was not an option. I had to be perfect in all I was doing; They (parents, teachers) simply expected it from me. That was exhausting and to pretend that I am that perfect son, student, grandchild in all I did, I also learned to lie. And I lied very well and very convincingly. I lied so well that in many cases I convinced myself of things that simply were not truth. Also — I wanted to avoid a punishment that resulted from not being perfect. There was no reward, just lack of punishment had to do.

As an adult, I knew very well that I was far from perfect. I was aware of my failings. But I found a way of not working on them and not accepting them either. I compounded all my mistakes into one — an alcohol addiction. That was the best and simplest explanation. I didn’t have to accept or admit any separate mistakes; all I had to do was to explain to myself that I am an alcoholic and underneath that addiction I still am this perfect, fragile, sensitive and misunderstood guy.

Now I am sober. Now I am deeply aware of myself and my emotions and feelings. Now I can analyze my actions and correct them for proper behavior. And yet, I still cannot accept within my thoughts that making an occasional mistake is ok. It is no big deal. Everybody makes mistakes. Even those holier-than-thou types that hate so much. Am I the same kind of person as them? Am I really that much of a hypocrite?

I see a lot of work in front of me. Very hard work on myself. Work that will require a lot of painful introspective and changing my ways that were engrained in me since my childhood. But that is ok, I have time. I like results so far from previous things I had changed about myself. I think a little of humility and humbleness will do me good.