Zero-sum

November 29th

I wonder if I would calculate all the time in my life when I was comfortable or in discomfort — what would be the result? I know that most of my timeline would be this thick line of a grayish miasma of just being. Just being between comfort and discomfort, just being in the present, just doing things that were expected of me, or things I expected of myself. That took most of my time — joyless work, pointless hobbies, dreamless nights. But there would be another, rather thin line — in parabola, between highs and lows.

There were lows, a lot of lows, actually. Some unavoidable, you know things sometimes just happen. But most lows were simply my own fault. There were highs as well — but so rare and far in between that I started to believe that just a lack of discomfort was a high for me. Or even a happiness. And I was wrong about that.

Recent days and weeks were not kind to me — a lot of issues with my health, my family, worries about political situation, work and money, etc. But there were still a lot of great, amazing moments; moments of fleeting but strongly felt happiness. And those enjoyable moments were all of my doing — things, thought, and actions that I devised and decided for myself. And that is the point — I can be happy if I let myself be happy, and also to be happy I need to move my ass and do something about my happiness. I don’t want life to be just a zero-sum game where highs equal lows — that is no longer good enough for me. I want to have more peaks ABOVE my mundane lifeline.

So then, why is it so hard to move toward happiness from everyday day lows and humdrum action? It cannot be just my laziness. What is actually stopping me?